Shades of White

By Andy Borowitz

In a nationally televised debate last night, the 10 candidates for the Republican presidential nomination engaged in a battle royal, with each candidate staking his claim to the title of the whitest white male in the GOP race.

With the elusive white male voter holding the keys to victory in the GOP nomination, all 10 candidates seemed mindful of reaching out to that often-forgotten voting bloc.

The question of “who is the whitest” came up in the opening minutes of the debate held on the campus of the University of South Carolina, where hundreds of concerned white male voters gathered to hear the candidates speak.

"Not only am I the whitest male in this race, I am the whitest male named Thompson in this race,” said former Wisconsin governor Tommy Thompson in an apparent reference to former Tennessee senator Fred Thompson, who is poised to become the 11th white male vying for the GOP nod.

Former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney went on the offensive when he cited his “impeccable whiteness credentials,” telling the crowd, “I was a governor, a businessman, and before that, a generic white male Clipart character.”

But perhaps the most electrifying moment in the debate came from Sen. John McCain of Arizona, who at 70 years of age would be the oldest white male ever elected president.

"With all due respect, I have been whiter longer than any of the men on this stage,” he said, to thunderous applause.

Elsewhere, the U.S. Postal Service announced that it would now charge 41 cents to lose a first-class letter.