CANADA BUSY SENDING BACK BUSH-DODGERS

Ottawa, Canada: The flood of American liberals
sneaking across the border into Canada has
intensified in the past month, sparking calls for
increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration.
The re-election of President Bush is prompting
the exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear
they'll soon be required to hunt, pray and agree
with Bill O'Reilly.

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to
see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights
activists and Unitarians crossing their fields
at night.

"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and
there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn,"
said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage
borders North Dakota. The producer was cold,
exhausted and hungry. "He asked me if I could spare
a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I
didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a
chance to show him my screenplay."

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield
erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them.
So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush
Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he
said. "The liberals still got through, and Rush
annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk."

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers
who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack
them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across
the border and leave them to fend for themselves.

"A lot of these people are not prepared for
rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman
said. "I found one carload without a drop of
drinking water. They did have a nice little
Napa Valley cabernet, though."

When liberals are caught, they're sent back
across the border, often wailing loudly that
they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors
have been circulating about the Bush
administration establishing re-education camps
in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic
beer and watch NASCAR.

In the days since the election, liberals have
turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing
the border. Some have taken to posing as senior
citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian
prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen
young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian
immigration authorities began stopping buses and
quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers.
"If they can't identify the accordion player on
The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about
their age," an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal
immigrants are creating an organic broccoli
shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon
movies. "I feel sorry for American liberals, but
the Canadian economy just can't support them," an
Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors
does one country need?"

In an effort to ease tensions between the United
States and Canada, Vice President Dick Cheney met
with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the
administration would take steps to reassure liberals,
a source close to Cheney said. "We're going to have
some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might put
some endangered species on postage stamps. The
president is determined to reach out."