Democrats Agree to Confirm Beelzebub

by Cenk Uygur

Today, Democrats have once agreed not to fight another Bush nominee. So, Beelzebub will be confirmed as the Secretary of Transportation. Senator Reid praised Mr. Beelzebub for his long work in public service and said he had an inspiring background story -- he rose up from anonymity and poverty to take on God himself.

Inspiring.

Democrats were immediately forced to cave in and vote for the nominee. This marked the 666th straight concession by the Democrats. When asked if their base might be bothered by the confirmation of one of Satan's minions, they said, "Ahh, our base is loony anyway! Screw 'em, we're running to the right, baby."

This event coincided with the unveiling of the new Democratic slogan: Slightly Less Vile Than the Republicans, But Far Weaker!

When someone asked Senator Feinstein why the Democrats in the Senate gave the Republican Party political cover for their lawbreaking when they confirmed a person already known to break every law known to man (he is Beelzebub, for Christ's sake), she answered, "Well, after we already confirmed Lucifer and Mephistopheles, this was a no-brainer. We figured we couldn't get any lower, we've already sold our soul, might as well finish the Satanic hat trick."

Senator Biden said, "Wait a minute, that's not fair, we're keeping our powder dry for when Bush nominates the big guy. We'll definitely fight a little bit if Satan himself is put forward. I bet I can get half the Democrats to vote no on Satan. Almost half. Doesn't that send a strong signal?"

At that point, Senator Schumer jumped up maniacally screaming, "We can't do anything unless we win in '06. We have to win. We have to win. That's why we're laying down and not fighting him at all. Our strategy for victory is defeat!"

Senator Rockefeller added, "On the upside, Mr. Beelzebub does have a lot of experience in the transportation field. He has been paving the road to hell for a long time now. Yes, he sucks out human souls for a living, but he is eminently qualified for the position. Did we thank him for his public service already?"

Senator Lieberman concluded by saying, "Opposing Beelzebub would dangerously undermine the President in a time of war. I hate all Democrats. I hate myself. I want to kiss George Bush again. Did I say all that out loud?"