Cheney and the Late Night Comics

by Al Franken

When the Lettermans and the Lenos and the Jon Stewarts start going after you, you know you’re in trouble. Of course, the late night comics had a field day last week about Cheney.

But the jokes this week might be even more disturbing for the Vice President. Because when the late night comics define you, it’s how the whole country sees you.

Just look at the jokes from Monday night.

This from Jay Leno: “I don’t want to say Cheney was pickled last night ... but he tried to play a pizza on the stereo.”
Harsh.

Now this one from Conan. “Cheney’s doctor told him to stay away from alcohol, so he got a twelve-foot straw.”

You see where they’re going? I guess the comedy consensus is that Cheney must have shot Whittington because he was loaded and that’s why he didn’t let any authorities see him for 14 hours.

Just listen to Jon Stewart. “I don’t want to say Cheney drinks a lot... but he once got an alcohol rub and broke his neck trying to lick it off...”
Cheney’s gotta hate these.

Take this one from Letterman. “I don’t want to say Cheney drinks a lot of martinis... but he’s got the only reported case of liver with onions.”
Yow! That’s rough.

And this is Jimmy Kimmel: “I don’t want to say Cheney is a lush... but his idea of frozen food is Scotch on the rocks.”
Just brutal!

And Letterman really piled on. Here’s his top ten list:

Top Ten Reasons Not to Go Hunting with Dick Cheney:
10. Jack Daniels
9. Makers Mark
8. Old Crow
7. Old Grandad
6. Old Forester
5. Jim Beam
4. Rebel Yell
3. Canadian Club
2. Southern Comfort
And the Number One Reason not to go hunting with Dick Cheney: Wild Turkey.

This bodes ill for the remainder of the Vice President’s term. Word has it through the joke writer grapevine that Bush has already started asking for “Dick was so drunk” jokes for the White House Correspondents Dinner.

It turns out that not coming out right away with a statement on camera might have been a bigger mistake than we all thought. That is, unless he was sauced. I guess we’ll never know.