Fw: Outsourcing

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Sent: Friday, March 24, 2006 9:09 AM
Subject: FWD: Outsourcing

Subj: Fwd: Outsourcing
Date: 3/23/2006 5:41:24 PM Eastern Standard Time

OUTSOURCING

Congress today announced that the office of President of the United
States of America will be outsourced as of April 1, 2006. The move is being
made
to save the $400K yearly salary and a record $521 billion in deficit
expenditures and related overhead the office has incurred during the last 5
years.
"The cost savings should be significant," stated Congressman Thomas
Reynolds (R-WA). Reynolds, with the aid of the Government Accounting Office,
has
studied outsourcing of American jobs extensively. "We cannot expect to
remain
competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay,"
Reynolds noted. Preparations have been underway for some time and Mr. Bush
was
informed by email this morning of his termination.
Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India, will be assuming
the office of President as of April 1st. Mr. Singh was born in the United
States while his Pakistani parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, thus
making
him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of US$320 a month,
with no health coverage or other benefits. It is believed that Mr. Singh
will be
able to handle his responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time
difference between the US and India, he will work primarily at night, when
few offices of the US Government will be open so he should suffer few, if
any,
interruptions.
"Working nights will also allow me to keep my day job at the American
Express call center," stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am
excited
about this position. I always hoped I would be President someday."
A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully
aware of all the issues involved in the office of President. He will rely
upon
a script tree and can address common concerns, without having to understand
the underlying issues at all. "We know these scripting tools work," stated
the
spokesperson, "President Bush has used them successfully for years."
Following a two week waiting period after his final day in office,
Bush will be eligible for $240 a week in unemployment pay for 13 weeks. He
will
not be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the
allowed limit.
Mr. Bush has been provided the services of Manpower, Inc. to help him
write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition. A Greeter
position at
Wal-Mart was suggested due to Bush's extensive experience shaking hands and
smiling no matter what the circumstances. Another possibility is Bush's
re-enlistment in the Texas Air National Guard. His prior records are
conspicuously
vague but should he choose this option, he would likely be stationed in Waco
for a month, before being sent to Iraq, a country he has visited. "I've been
there, I know all about Iraq," stated Mr. Bush, who gained invaluable
knowledge
of the country in a visit to the Baghdad Airport 's terminal and gift shop.

Sources in Baghdad and Falluja say Mr. Bush would receive a tremendous
welcome from local Iraqis. They have asked to be provided with details of
his
arrival so they might arrange an appropriate blast.

AND IN UNRELATED NEWS:

WASHINGTON, D.C. - A White House source stated that Congress is considering
awarding Vice-President Dick Cheney the Medal of Freedom, the national
highest
civilian commendation, for his act of bravery in shooting an attorney. The
source was quoted to say " All Americans have wanted to shoot a lawyer at
one
time or another and Cheney actually had the balls to do it".

In a related story, the Texas Parks and Wildlife Department, which issues
hunting licenses, said that it will start requiring hunters, wishing to bag
a
lawyer, to have the new "lawyer's stamp" on their hunting license. Currently
Texas hunters are required to carry stamps for hunting birds, deer, and
bear, at
a cost of $7 annually. The new "lawyers stamp" will cost $100, but open
season will be all year long. The department further stated that although
the
"lawyers stamp" comes at a hefty price, sales have been brisk and it
believes it
will generate annual revenues in excess of $3 billion the first year. Other
states are considering similar hunting license stamps.